Going Under
by Claire Starling
Summary: Clarice faces the effect of her actions at the Chesapeake.


Disclaimer: Me no own.  
  
GOING UNDER  
  
Clarice toward the court house, it was time for her hearing. They were going to tell her whether she was a criminal or justice, whether she was an ally or an enemy, whether she was a friend or out of a job. Clarice sighed, the whole Chesapeake fiasco was insane. Not only did it leave an emotional toll, but a physical one. Her shoulder itched slightly at the thought. The doctors said that they're would barely be a scar. It didn't matter, the one on her soul was big enough. Which she supposed was fitting.  
  
But now this. Everything she worked for her entire life was about to be stripped from her. She knew Jack Crawford wouldn't help her. He never did. He was just like Paul Krendlar, the bastard. He didn't care who he had to step on to get to the top, just as long as he didn't get his hands dirty. She wondered fleetingly if Will Graham ever felt like this.   
  
As she stepped into the conference, she was greeted with several flashes of light from the press. With a sigh, she sat. What could she say that would make the FBI see her differently? Nothing. They always saw her as tainted, ever since she came back from Dr. Lecter's dungeons alive and glowing. They had been waiting for an excuse to be rid of this loose cannon, and now they had it.  
  
She paid little attention to the trail, the feeling of suffocation starting to get to her. She was never a claustrophobic person but she now knew what it felt like. Sometimes she almost swore the walls were getting closer to her.   
  
When she finally was called to the stand, she straightened out her blue suit. Ardelia once told her it brought out her eyes. And then the questioning began.  
  
Now I will tell you what I've done for you  
  
Fifty thousand tears I've cried.  
  
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you  
  
and you still won't hear me.  
  
It was frustrating to say the least. She talked and talked and told her tale. True it was slightly modified, only editing out the kiss. But they didn't listen to her. She told them of all her efforts but all they seemed to care about was her gong to Muskrat Farm.   
  
Why did you do that? What was your motive? Was it possible that you cared for him? Is it true that you loved him? Had an affair? Shared a secret correspondence?   
  
She tried to explain she was saving a person, not Dr. Lecter. That, because of her knowledge, she had no choice but to save him because it was her duty. That no one deserves to die that way. But that only seemed to fuel their fire.  
  
Going Under…  
  
Eventually, all she heard were the lawyer's words searing her ears, the humming of the media, the objections of her lawyer, the crashing of the javelin. She felt the stares of the jury. She felt like she was drowning.  
  
Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself.  
  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
  
not tormented daily defeated by you.  
  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom  
  
Frustration overcame her. Originally, she had wanted to keep her job, but now she wasn't so sure. Originally Jack Crawford was on her side, but now he wasn't so sure. Something hardened in Clarice's chest and grew cold. She couldn't trust anyone linked to the FBI anymore. No one. If she wanted to survive this, she would have to this on her own. And soon, she started to strike back. Her manner became more and more like a certain someone. And this started to chill the courthouse. Something inside her had changed.  
  
  
  
I'm dying again.  
  
Her career was slowly brought up. They started with the beginning, Jame Gumb. That was simple for her, a cut, clean case. But when the subject of her interviews with Dr. Lecter came up, things weren't looking too positive.  
  
I'm going under  
  
drowning in you  
  
I'm falling forever  
  
I've got to break through  
  
I'm going under  
  
They asked her about what happened. She told them. They asked her about Jame Gumb. She told them. But how she acquired the clues that led to the capture and death of Buffalo Bill was what pissed her off.  
  
"Is it true that you traded sexual acts for clues?" said he.  
  
Starling's head tilted. "And how do you suppose I did that, sir? Did a strip tease? I hate to inform you of this but every session was video taped and as you can see we did nothing but talk."  
  
"Ah. But did you offer them after you aided in his escape?" the lawyer said, hoping to catch her here.  
  
"First of all, I'd like to make it clear I did not aid in his escape. In fact, if it was anyone, it was the late Dr. Chilton. His pride led him to give Dr. Lecter the out he needed. Secondly, I did not offer any sexual acts to him ever."  
  
The lawyer glared but continued steadily, making sure to insult her greatly. He made sure her grave was plenty deep.  
  
Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies  
  
So I don't know what's real and what's not  
  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
  
So I can't trust myself anymore  
  
I'm dying again  
  
But then the issue of the Chesapeake came up. And she faltered. She edited out the kiss, the fatal kiss. But it was hard to keep her story straight. Clarice was used to telling the truth. However, this lie was only so difficult because it was so distracting.  
  
"So he left you in the dining room."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Alone?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Were there weapons?"  
  
"Only the candlestick which I used. He had taken the knife away from me earlier."  
  
"But weren't their weapons upstairs for you to use? Didn't he leave them for you."  
  
"Yes, there were weapons up there for me."  
  
"She left a .45 pistol and several clips upstairs before she came down. What could be her motive? She could have killed him before any serious damage was done to Mr. Paul Krendlar. But she didn't. Could it be she didn't want to hurt him?"  
  
"Actually, sir, it was because I wasn't sure of myself. I was taught that before you pull a trigger, you must be very sure. But because of the drugs, I wasn't sure if I would actually end up hitting him. I could have accidentally injured anyone in that room, including myself."  
  
"All right. But the handcuffs were missing. Did you use them?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Really… because here you said you did not use them, Miss Starling."  
  
Starling felt disgust overwhelm her at the sight of his smirk. Quickly, she covered. "I did not successfully use them. I attempted to handcuff him to my person, but he had a spare key."  
  
"You also said he placed your hair in the freezer."  
  
"Yes, he did."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To restrain me."  
  
"Why would he bother with the freezer if he had a perfectly good pair of handcuffs handy?"  
  
"Because I was the one who had the handcuffs."  
  
"How did you manage to handcuff him in your state?"  
  
Clarice swallowed. "I distracted him."  
  
"Really. How so?"  
  
That's my girl…   
  
"I… struggled," she paused. "And while he was busy pining me down, I handcuffed him."  
  
"I see…"  
  
But disbelief was obvious.  
  
  
  
I'm going under  
  
drowning in you  
  
I'm falling forever  
  
I've got to break through  
  
Clarice watched as her career went up in flames. Although they found her innocent of aiding in murder and escape of a wanted criminal, the FBI discharged her anyway. She laughed as she watched the flames. But inwardly, she cried as well. The victory over the FBI was bittersweet. Her father would be disappointed in her. But somehow, she knew he would forgive her just this once. After all, love is more important than a career. She sighed as she let them yell at her, soon it would be over.  
  
So go on and scream  
  
Scream at me I'm so far away  
  
I won't be broken again  
  
I've got to breathe   
  
I can't keep going under  
  
As she packed, she listened to the answering machine pick up message after message of anger and excitement. Some of them were from the press, others from the FBI. It didn't matter. She packed very little. She emptied her savings account. She left. She drove away in her car with a new license plate on it, one she had stolen very recently. She stopped at the state line. In her hand was a picture of her, Jack Crawford, and Ardelia at their badge reception. The girls were happy, the man uncomfortable. Clarice smiled as she tore the picture to pieces and watched it fly away in the breeze. She didn't look back as she drove on.   
  
I'm dying again!  
  
I'm going under  
  
drowning in you  
  
I'm falling forever  
  
I've got to break through  
  
I'm going under.  
  
"A. A. Arron-  
  
The glass ceiling is broken. The butterfly roams free. Suddenly, I can see the mirror. And it's all I need.  
  
- Your Girl" 


End file.
